Are you listening?
I once told you that you couldn’t enjoy and appreciate the present if you were stuck in the past. I actually put it in a frame to remind you. I should have practiced what I preached. I should have found a way to let go of the past, at least while I was struggling to let go of you.
I battle with the memory of my impatience and anger. The sorrow I feel in knowing I could have been better often catches me unaware and can become so overwhelming I have to step aside or walk away just to compose myself. I could have and should have been better! Why couldn’t I accept the things I could not change? Why couldn’t I let the hurt and disapproval dissolve enough to make sure you knew how much I loved you and how important you were to me?
It’s been a year and a half now and I haven’t been able to move forward and away from regrets. Did you hear me when I said, “I forgive you”? Did you feel the love I struggled so much to show in my disillusionment and denial? Did the gentleness of my touch and the softness in my voice convey how much I needed you and would miss you in this life? Did you feel my arms around you when you took that final breath?
As I felt your anguish end and peace finally envelop you I never felt more alone. I had never felt such pain as I did in that moment. As much as you needed my forgiveness I too needed to hear you forgive me, but we ran out of time.
I’m haunted and as I sit here writing this letter to a ghost I have to wonder are you the ghost or is the ghost my own sub-conscience? I’m really sorry Mom. I love you and owe you so much. Please forgive me?