I don’t know what it is about me that seems to be a magnate for married or otherwise attached men, especially online. It makes me a little insane and I often respond to them by reminding them that their status says “married” or “in a relationship”, but that doesn’t seem to stop them at all. Age doesn’t seem to be much of a factor either; twenty year olds and 60 year olds alike (and every age in between) are hitting on me. These men come from a myriad of backgrounds; from hi-profile and high powered to the unemployed. The only thing they seem to have in common is their wedding rings.
You have no idea how many times I have heard, “We’re in a rough patch right now”, or “I’m lonely”, or “It isn’t the same as it used to be”. The worst ones are, “it’s OK, it’s just harmless flirting” or “I love my wife, but…”. But what? They go on trying to convince me I’m “sexy”, “beautiful”, and “intriguing”. Wow, if I’m so great why in the hell am I still single?
So that being said, this one is for all of you married guys that want to chat me up all the time. Please forgive me, but I’m doing you a favor here. If you will listen.
Of course you’re in a rough patch and lonely and things are not the same. That’s because you’re talking to me instead of your wife buddy. And let me tell you, chances are all the imperfections you now notice in her are probably the same ones you would see in me. I’m not Miss America either. I have plenty of flaws and imperfections and extra pounds too. I like to go without make-up, wear baggy sweats, and I snore. By the way, I’m sure it was a woman who invented poopourrie. The point is, the Viagra really isn’t bluer on the other side.
With infidelity being the leading cause of divorce in a country whose divorce rate is nearly 50% one would think you would be keen to do whatever you could to reverse those depressing statistics. After all, you are the one who got married. You promised, no, you vowed your love and fidelity “’til death do you part”. Was that a lie? I doubt it. I think you got married because you were genuinely in love and believed you found the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but life and boredom got in the way as it is prone to do and somehow obligation became a dirty word. Well, let me tell you the dirtiest word of all in a marriage, C-H-E-A-T-E-R. Did you say it out loud? You should, because if you keep trying to get me to have cyber sex with you you are going to hear that word at a very high volume coming from your wife’s lips and it may be followed with the sound of a slap to your face or the slam of the door when she leaves your cheating ass.
But fear not dear keyboard philanderer, I can help and although it’s not with your zipper it can lead you back into the bedroom. The right bedroom, the one you share with your lovely wife. But, you have to follow the rules I lay out and no I am not going to spank you if you don’t so please don’t even message me asking.
1. Show her your interest. This does not mean go slide up behind her and rub your business all over her. I mean show your interest in her…you know, as a person. Ask her about her day. Ask her why she seems down (if that’s the case) and then ask how you can make her day better. Does that sound like a chore? I wouldn’t know why considering you ask me those things all of the time.
2. Get off the computer. Instead of spending hours in front of the computer in the evening looking at other chicks profiles and posts spend time with her. Even watching TV together can generate mutual laughs and feel good endorphin’s. Go for the brass ring and maybe even sit beside her on the couch instead of across the room. Let your thigh brush against hers, hold her hand or stroke her arm – just remember this isn’t a make out session, it’s a connection. These are the things that used to tantalize you (and her) in the beginning so let them tantalize you now. They can if you let them.
3. Send her flirty e-mails. I’m sure you are sick of hearing about 50 Shades of Grey, but let me tell you, the best part of the book isn’t the BDSM, it’s the e-mails! Ask any woman you know (that has read the book) and they will agree. ‘Nuff said.
4. Sext her up unexpectedly. That’s right, I said “sext”. You are dying for my phone number because you want to text me, why not try texting her instead? When you are at work tomorrow try it. Start slow and easy, not too over the top. Try something like, “thinking aboutchya (insert name here).” Don’t forget to use her name otherwise she will become suspicious that you sent her a message meant for…gasp…another woman aka me. Let a couple of hours pass and then send her another, maybe tell her, “I can’t wait to leave the office (shop, store, etc.) and come home. I can’t stop thinking about you”. Trust me, a few more of these and she is going to be thinking about you too and the key to a woman’s sex drive is her mind. Never forget that.
5. Go to bed with her at the end of the day. Duh. If you let her go to bed alone you leave her wondering what (or who) you are staying up for. Do you know how many nights she lays there trying to sleep wondering what you are doing and what’s wrong with her?
6. Stop talking to me (and all the other “me’s” you are flirting with online or by text). I am a single woman who would like to have my very own husband someday. Not, your wife’s husband. Not only are you being disrespectful to your wife and your marriage, but you are also showing no respect to that “beautiful”, “sexy”, “intriguing” woman you are putting the moves on because you seem to think I or she will be satisfied with mere moments of your time each day or each week. Satisfied with being a “secret friend” and satisfied with what still amounts to being alone.
Woman need affection and admiring attention. You already know this however, you seem to have forgotten how to give it to your wife. Well, it’s time you start remembering or just call it quits. If things are so bad that you feel you have to cheat, then you should not be together. And, if you are reading this and haven’t crossed that line yet go talk to your wife right now. Tell her you’ve thought about cheating, but you know what a mistake it would be. Tell her how important your relationship is, how important she is, and how much you love her. Your capacity for fidelity is not her burden. If you screw up it’s because you choose to screw up. If you think online flirting and/or cyber sex isn’t cheating you are delusional. Everything you do with another woman takes away from the one you’re with.
I think I’ve said enough here. I hope I have. I know I have given you plenty of “honey do’s’ and I expect you to spend your time doing them vs. trying to do me.