Cheri Speak

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Of Madness and Men

If anyone were to ask me at any time since my divorce seven years ago whether I liked being single or not, my standard (yet emphatic) answer would have always been “no“. I have hated every second of being single. I loved being married.

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The One Two Punch

I didn’t love the weekly wars with my first husband. I didn’t love the drugs that were brought in and out of my life through him. I didn’t love the loneliness and fear. I didn’t love the abuse.

I didn’t love the lunacy of my second husband either. I didn’t love the bi-monthly shrink appointments (his) and the roller coaster mood swings (his). I didn’t love being picked apart and directed at every turn. I didn’t love having what amounted to little more than a celibate marriage.

I didn’t love second guessing everything I said or did with either of them. But, I loved being married.

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I have had relationships (both short and long) since the divorce. I’ve even had some that were nothing more than a figment of my own imagination, or so the men would have you think. One even made me question my own sanity.

Men drive me mad and so far, not so good.

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Not a Single Single Guy

Are there any normal/handsome/charming/SINGLE/adult males out there? I’m really beginning to think the answer to that is also “no“. Trust me, I have tried to find one (just one) with zero luck. From dating sites, to social media, to every day face to face encounters I have not uncovered a single viable single guy.

Interestingly, it makes no difference what I write on my on-line profiles or what I tell men about who I am and what I am (and am not) looking for in a man and a relationship. They act like none of that has already been put on the table and sure as shit they end up being all of the things I clearly said I was not interested in.

What the hell? Do they think they are so hot/sexy/irresistible that I am going to change my mind and crawl into bed?

Here is a run-down of the Manscape in the ratmosphere as I have experienced it…

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Married: With or Without Children

Lecherous wretches for sure. Unfortunately these are the ones I understand the most. Sadly, they are everywhere and for whatever reason many of them zero in on me. I can honestly say I am so jaded I do not believe any man can be faithful forever, anymore. For that matter, and to be fair, I don’t believe most women can be either. I know that’s not a popular thing to say, but I really do feel that way.

I have met some really great (on one hand) guys who turned out to be married (the not-so-great other hand). What’s in it for me? I mean seriously. I do understand that must sound callous. I should be thinking about his poor wife (and kids if they have some). I do, but the part that impacts me is their pursuit of me and how it affects me. I can tell you this, it is the married men that come at me the most, but it’s really on more of an emotional-over-sexual level. Don’t get me wrong, they are horny married guys, but it seems they are also lacking some sort of soulful connection (at home). I don’t condone their behavior, just saying’.

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Yes, Twenties Are Too Young

I really don’t get these guys. Unfortunately a lot of them frequently hit on me, which by the way is the part I don’t get. What is their fascination with older women? Do they think we are desperate?

Some of these guys are freakin’ hot, but oh my God they are just kids when it comes down to anything outside of the bedroom, and even then…well you know what I mean. The only thing going for them is that they are single, but I tried that once and it was not worth it in the end and it certainly isn’t an idea worth entertaining again. I do not want to look like a great grandma with a guy who looks like he could be my son’s son.

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Who’s Playin’ Who?

Ironically some of the guys who seemed the nicest and most likely candidates turned out to be players. There comes a moment (if you are lucky it’s early on) that you realize they are a true player. At that point — you (maybe you like him anyway) can decide who’s playing who and whether you want to pursue anything further just for funks sake.

In my case, I don’t because I’m not looking to get laid. Don’t men realize if all women wanted was to get laid we can…any day of the week, just because we are women?

These player types are getting smoother. I have to be careful because I have fallen for this type before.  I’m not sure why they waste my time. What’s the point really?

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Fun With the Freak Flag 

I’m not against anybody’s “kink”. I’m really not, hell I have my own “kink”, but if a man is into something outside of the mainstream — and he’s interested in me, I think it’s only right to clue me in right away. Now maybe I am a bit biased. I was after all married to a fetishist for nearly 8 years. The disclaimer in all of that is that I would not have married him and lost all of those years had I known the truth in the beginning. Right or wrong, that’s my choice, right? Right. So don’t take it away by withholding important information.

There are different levels of “kink” so who knows what I may be open to, but give me the opportunity to say whether or not it’s something I’d be interested in. Easing into a murky area or hiding it all together is not an option with me. Been there done that. Thank you very much.

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My Kind of Normal

So now you know I am not into married men, twenty-something men, BDSM men, and players. That should narrow it down a bit, but I will go into further detail defining what I think is “normal”.

  • I want a guy who thinks about me when we are not together. It doesn’t need to be obsessive or anything, but a text, e-mail, or phone call letting me know I’m on their mind is nice.
  • I want a guy who actively participates in getting to know me and growing the relationship.
  • I want a guy who smells nice and has good hygiene.
  • I want a guy who contacts me to arrange real dates, not booty calls.
  • I want a guy who has a job. Any job will do (mostly), but I cannot afford to financially support anyone but myself.
  • I want a guy who loves me even when I am not wearing make-up.
  • I want a guy who understands I do what I love for a living and that means I am broke most of the time. MY guy wouldn’t hold this against me.
  • I want a guy who isn’t out to change me. A guy who accepts and loves all of who I am right now, but is open to the possibility that I may still grow as a person.
  • I want a guy who is free of sexual hang-ups and free of extreme fetishes or proclivities. A guy who loves sex as much as I do and understands how important it is for both of us and the relationship. A guy who isn’t intimidated by battery operated toys and experimentation.
  • I want a guy who can balance the sexual and emotional side of our relationship. Sex is important, but so is communication, consideration, and companionship.
  • I want a guy who does not want any (or any more) children. I cannot have any more and mine are now grown adults.
  • I want a guy who is not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but likes to have occasional drinks socially and 4:20 chill sessions.
  • I want a guy who is not afraid of commitment. I want to be married again so I want a guy who doesn’t waste my time if he does not see a future with me.
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A Girl Can Dream Right?

I know there is a man out there for me. I just don’t know where the helly he is so in the meantime I am the Sexy Cynic looking for my wayward Prince. You can read about my dating adventures here.

Original Article:  Of Madness and Men by, the Sexy Cynic
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15 comments on “Of Madness and Men

  1. Corner of Confessions
    April 13, 2013

    a new blog?! Looking forward to reading about your adventures!


    • CheriSpeak
      April 13, 2013

      Yes thanks! This one is all about men, dating, being single


  2. Jueseppi B.
    April 13, 2013

    I am so sorry you are experiencing what we Men, this means Me, have been experiencing. I am so not dating material, too old fashioned she told me, too much of a “nice guy”….. according to my last example of a 3 month relationship, with a “perfect” woman. I have decided to give up on dating women and just have friends with benefits who go home in the morning.

    Now this friends with benefits thing is not for everyone, but at my age, it’s apparently perfect for my old too nice old fashioned ass.

    Since my divorce, and subsequent homelessness from her trying to take all I had accumulated BEFORE we were even dating…I have discovered I don’t like women who attempt to be playas or slick & sly.

    So I wish you good luck and wishes of you finding Mr. Right For You. Just understand the same types of men you talk about….applies to women as well.

    ♥ ❀ ✿ Namaste ❀ ✿ ♥


  3. ghostbusterbev
    April 13, 2013

    I agree with Jueseppi…it’s important that women are able to give what they expect to receive for a mutually equal, healthy, and balanced relationship. Very difficult to find this kind of match but when you do, it usually lasts over the long term.


  4. artofstumbling
    April 14, 2013

    As a twenty-something, I’ll just say… older women are yummy, they tend to know what they want (in the bedroom and outside), don’t put up with any bullshit. These are all very attractive qualities, just saying 🙂

    Good luck on your quest and I’ll look forward to reading your new blog 🙂


  5. Kozo
    April 14, 2013

    I like how you put everything you want on paper (or internet). I did this once, and I know have a wife who meets all the qualities I asked for. I am working on a book to change many of the sexists standards that you have experienced. {{{hugs}}} Kozo


  6. Kozo
    April 15, 2013

    One of my friends is called the Energetic Matchmaker. She can be found here:
    You might want to check her out. She is a really cool, spiritual, giving person. Just a thought. {{{hugs}}} Kozo


  7. lahacienda
    April 16, 2013

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud with this post Cheri! I’ve been there, done that and agree almost 100% with your “normal guy” list. Keep it up.


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  9. lotusohms
    September 25, 2013

    I’d up the ante and include 100 more things on that list of yours. 🙂 Every minute detail… Imagine who this man might be! His physical and emotional features… how he treats people… Use positive language… -At least use energy that expresses everything you want. Whatever you don’t want, just don’t list it.


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