Are you listening?
I have tried so many times over the years to say, “goodbye” to you.
The word “goodbye” is gut-wrenching in its finality.
“Please don’t close your eyes….I don’t know where to look without them…” ~ Ellie Goulding
Although you have never heard me say it, I have sobbed it into my pillow…I have screamed it into the silence…I have even etched into my arm in a moment of despair, and yet…I cannot say it to you, because I know it would be a lie.
Our partings have always alluded to an, “until next time…”…
Our story has been one of constant beginnings; of us reinventing who we are together and carrying one another in our hearts across miles and madness.
Our story is one of, “Once upon a times…”…
So much of my life is intricately tied to you; from my career choices to where I have chosen to live and so much more. The mere act of severing our relationship completely — of saying, “goodbye”, is akin to devaluing, dismissing or even eliminating a large portion of the sum of who I am because…I am who I am because of you.
“Do you shape through the comfort of us? Two lovers…loved out of love.” ~ Ellie Goulding
I never meant to, but I built my life around you…around loving you…
…around being loved by you.
Without you, there is no life. Without you, there is no love.
So, without you…is there still a me?
You know I have tried to find love. You know I have tried to make a life. Nothing compares to my life with you.
Not a single person has ever made me feel cared for, worthy, accepted or loved the way you do and not one has evoked from me the intensity of love that I feel for you.
“…and know it wasn’t always wrong, but I’ve never known a winter so cold. Now I don’t warm my hands in your coat…but I still hope.” ~ Ellie Goulding
Can you blame me for cherishing and preserving the one good thing…my one happiness that I have had in this fucked-up life?
Is it any wonder I hold on so tightly?
I don’t know why or how all of this started and I don’t know why, “you”. I really don’t. I just know the day I met you, life didn’t just change for me, it began.
Saying, “goodbye” would be like taking my life.
Please don’t say, “goodbye”.
“How long will I love you? As long as stars above you. And longer, if I may.” ~ Ellie Goulding