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Why I Can’t Say Goodbye


I have tried so many times over the years to say, “goodbye” to you.

I can’t…

The word “goodbye” is gut-wrenching in its finality.

Please don’t close your eyes….I don’t know where to look without them…” ~ Ellie Goulding

Although you have never heard me say it, I have sobbed it into my pillow…I have screamed it into the silence…I have even etched into my arm in a moment of despair, and yet…I cannot say it to you, because I know it would be a lie.

Our partings have always alluded to an, “until next time…”…

Our story has been one of constant beginnings; of us reinventing who we are together and carrying one another in our hearts across miles and madness.

Our story is one of, “Once upon a times…”…

…not, “goodbyes“.

So much of my life is intricately tied to you; from my career choices to where I have chosen to live and so much more. The mere act of severing our relationship completely — of saying, “goodbye”, is akin to devaluing, dismissing or even eliminating a large portion of the sum of who I am because…I am who I am because of you.

Do you shape through the comfort of us? Two lovers…loved out of love.” ~ Ellie Goulding

I never meant to, but I built my life around you…around loving you…

…around being loved by you.

Without you, there is no life. Without you, there is no love.

So, without you…is there still a me?

You know I have tried to find love. You know I have tried to make a life. Nothing compares to my life with you.

Not a single person has ever made me feel cared for, worthy, accepted or loved the way you do and not one has evoked from me the intensity of love that I feel for you.

“…and know it wasn’t always wrong, but I’ve never known a winter so cold. Now I don’t warm my hands in your coat…but I still hope.” ~ Ellie Goulding

Can you blame me for cherishing and preserving the one good thing…my one happiness that I have had in this fucked-up life?

Is it any wonder I hold on so tightly?

I don’t know why or how all of this started and I don’t know why, “you”.  I really don’t. I just know the day I met you, life didn’t just change for me, it began.

Saying, “goodbye” would be like taking my life.

Please don’t say, “goodbye”.

How long will I love you? As long as stars above you. And longer, if I may.” ~ Ellie Goulding




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3 comments on “Why I Can’t Say Goodbye

  1. Cheri
    December 20, 2013

    Reblogged this on The Sexy Cynics.


  2. Pingback: Twisted Tuesday’s Mix-Tape: Bust a Move! | Cheri Speak

  3. Pingback: 46 Things I Didn’t Expect By 46 | Cheri Speak

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