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46 Things I Didn’t Expect At 46


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Today I turned 46-years-old. GASP, this means I am now officially closer to 50 than 40. In honor of my 46th Birthday, I present to you, “46 Things I Didn’t Expect At 46″…

  1. I didn’t expect my Mom would be gone.
  2. I didn’t expect to miss my Mom as much as I do.
  3. I didn’t expect to be a grandma.
  4. I didn’t expect to be single.
  5. I didn’t expect to rent “rooms” over houses or apartments.
  6. I didn’t expect I would have left corporate media.
  7. I didn’t expect I would marry twice.
  8. I (at times) didn’t expect to be alive.
  9. I didn’t expect to ever say, “I have Bipolar“.
  10. I didn’t expect to still [or again] be living in California.
  11. I didn’t expect to be an activist.
  12. I didn’t expect to be an activist still.
  13. I didn’t expect I would not have published a book by now.
  14. I didn’t expect to have written an entire non-fiction book and never attempt to publish it.
  15. I didn’t expect to encounter what I encountered that propelled me write the book.
  16. I didn’t expect the horror of September 11th.
  17. I didn’t expect to discover the government was involved in the attacks on September 11th. Ask me about building 7
  18. I didn’t expect we would not have flying cars by now.
  19. I didn’t expect to go off and then back on “the grid”.
  20. I didn’t expect to meet some of the amazing intellectuals, scholars, artists and musicians that I have met.
  21. I didn’t expect to be a radio DJ.
  22. I didn’t expect to officially write about the death of investigative journalists Michael Hastings or  Michael C. Ruppert.
  23. I didn’t expect to be so far from my adult children geographically.
  24. I didn’t expect to fall in love with a married man nor did I expect that love to last nearly two-decades.
  25. I didn’t expect the reality of technology nor the pace at which it evolves.
  26. I didn’t expect the sudden and extreme rudeness that the Internet and technology have played a part in encouraging.
  27. I didn’t expect my Government would spy on me.
  28. I didn’t think our country’s citizen’s would be so vehemently divided.
  29. I didn’t expect to have experienced 2 separate earthquakes over 7.0 in one day.
  30. I didn’t expect to bear witness and report on one of the largest wildfires in California history.
  31. I didn’t expect to lose some of the friends I have lost.
  32. I didn’t expect to find friendship in some ways that I have.
  33. I didn’t expect I would be introduced and immersed in an odd fetish related marriage.
  34. I didn’t expect my journal would become an online living breathing thing for the world to see.
  35. I didn’t expect to have traveled to DC and NY.
  36. I didn’t expect to have never stepped foot off of American soil.
  37. I didn’t expect to still have an overbite.
  38. I didn’t expect there to be nothing in Al Capone’s Vaults when Geraldo Rivera strung me along as a teenager, night after night.
  39. I didn’t expect to witness Geraldo Rivera and Shepard Smith to flip out and go against the company line during live coverage of Hurricane Katrina’s aftermath.
  40. I didn’t expect to see a near naked Geraldo Rivera on twitter.
  41. I didn’t expect to have conversations about a President getting a blow job.
  42. I didn’t expect little blue dresses to forever make me think of blow jobs.
  43. I didn’t expect to learn about a history and culture rich in drugs, slavery and murder.
  44. I didn’t expect to ever feel weird or uncomfortable about being part Middle Eastern.
  45. I didn’t expect sex to become such a casual thing.
  46. I didn’t expect life…to be so fucking hard.

There are many more things, “I didn’t expect”, but for now I will stick with the 46….by the way, one thing I DID expect, since I was a child, weed is now legal in 2 states with more to follow. How about you, what didn’t you expect? Or, better yet, what DO you expect in the next 5-years?

3 comments on “46 Things I Didn’t Expect At 46

  1. Henrietta Handy
    April 28, 2014

    Happy birthday! My list for when I turn 53 could be very similar to yours. We will have to see.


  2. i will be turning 46 in a few weeks.. Grrr…and shhhh… it is a omg to the max!!
    I struggle on a daily basis not to hate myself as much as I did for the past two years. Being single and falling in love scare me to pieces and hence i have pushed away many men that have tickled my fancy.

    I often wish i could deny my age legally.. and not just say how I am 28 and that 26 was my favorite year, but to be in true form a 28 year old bombshell filled with talent and brainsI I remember every little thing i do wrong these days, as opposed to when i was a wild young thing living wild and free. And yes, I can hard believe I survived those wild years without hurting myself physically as deeply as I have hurt my feelings over and over again.

    I cry for the lovely friends, aunts and grandparents that have been swept away from this earth and feel utterly ashamed that I am so selfish and not so happy in my own life. I know better than that, but my heart tears me into pieces.

    46 is not making any smiley faces filled with hearts and kisses in my brain. I know.. train your brain to be the wonderful you! Ya well, training my brain has proven to be extremely hard. The advertisements for training my brain for success continually urge me to keep trying. And the matter that I have to keep trying adds to the feelings of disapointment that I haven’t yet succeeded. I have come to realize it is not so easy to utilize the brain training techniques every moment when it is really important to find that focus in my brain, and to re-direct it away from my pouring heart aches and into the passions I have discovered I love. And furthermore, to actually believe in my passion projects as true, valid, adored by the millions, and yes, please, totally, abundantly financially rewarding for all involved regardless of what my mom thinks.

    This wisdom of age acquired has left me working harder than ever and falling harder than ever. The fears I see are deeper, harder to turn into joys and even harder still to make that joy jumping. Happiest wishes I send to everyone as a birthday gift from me to you all.. Go ahead, make those three wishes, and keep expanding them as often as you can…When the moments creep into you that have you scowering in the corners or as a heartless being with energy of anger and tears use those wishes again and again until you have yourself as the fresh air of poise, graciousness, blessings, and urges to love and be loved. hugs Hannah


    • Cheri
      May 15, 2015

      Hannah, the only bad thing about getting older is our health and body changes….mentally, we are so much better off … even if we don’t realize or believe it 😉


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This entry was posted on April 27, 2014 by in Aging, America, Bipolar, Birthdays, Depression, Future, Lists and tagged , , , , , , , .


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